Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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