Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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