There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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