I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
