Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He shit in the fireplace
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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