i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
