I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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