So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
