i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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