Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
