I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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