you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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