Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
