i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
