I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
