i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
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I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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