Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want to make out with him forever
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
