My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
