I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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