Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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