i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize