My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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