She is in my trunk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
