my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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