Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
