I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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