sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
