Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
