So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
