i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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