it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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