respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
