he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
