If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
