I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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