Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
