Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My penis needs a shock collar
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
