Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
