my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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