The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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