A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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