Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
