i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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