No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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