I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
