so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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