There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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