Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize