Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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