I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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