My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
