I accidentally had phone sex last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
